I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
