i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I need water and some morals
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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