textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
