i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
