dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize