she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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