I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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