The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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