i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
