I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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