really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
