I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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