Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
