she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
