theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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