I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
