you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
