My Higher Power is John Stamos
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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