I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
