You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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