Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
its liver damage thursday
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize