In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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