I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
