I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
