Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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