McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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