my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
