i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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