i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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