so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
