I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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