So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize