At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
