i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
