Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
