whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
