Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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