Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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