you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
