You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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