Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
