Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
