If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize