My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize