he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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