y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
