remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You ate ashes out of my bong
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
