You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I FOUND THE LEGS
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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