But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Quick, to the slutcave!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
