I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
