I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
