I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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