Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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