You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
