im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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