im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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